Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Does My Head look Like a Zorb-ball?

'Coz it feels like one! Or rather, like a weighted one-tonne ball they use for demolition. You know that one? THAT'S WHAT MY HEAD FEELS LIKE! Ow.

Despite the fact that nobody likes a rambling sick person talking ramblingly about their illness, I am going to do so anyway. Besides, people probably don't understand the overwhelming urge for less-than-healthy persons to indulge in verbal diarrhoea. And since I'm ill and y'all out there are happy, healthy and wise, you can muster some sympathy and lend your ears (eyes) to my plight.

You know how when you're ill it's like you regress back into childhood and sometimes all the way back into babyhood? You're vulnerable and slow and dependent on others. You're given non-solids, like porridge (which I love) and sleep 16 hours a day. Actually, that's a lie. I sleep way more than that, once passing out for TWO days on my friend's bed because she had an electric blanket and my room felt like a freezer (Thanks, Az!). On top of that, your eyes are constantly teary and snot freeflows down your nose (too much information?). I wish this virus would just leave me alone.

Moving on. Why have I not been updating as of late, you ask.

1) I've been job-hunting instead.
It's been a pretty productive week or so. Thus far, I am focusing on freelancing, and thankfully I have secured TWO jobs now. Woop! I start Monday.

2) I've been procrastinating.
Self-explanatory. I'm the self-proclaimed Queen of Procrastination. I was only doing what I do best.

3) I've been doubting myself.
I wish I could attribute the recent hiatus in activity to writer's block (yes, that convenient scapegoat all writer's inadvertently blame), but I think I can be more honest than that. I can credit it to self-doubt. And fear. I have been paralyzed by the fear that I don't have any thoughts of importance. I doubted my own ability to string a couple of words together. Some of you must think, all this self-doubt over a blog? But it isn't just about the blog. It's about my personal project: a novel in the works. I want nothing more than to complete it.

The world is a strangely lonely place. Even with 6.7 billion people crawling about the planet, one can feel so isolated and detached. It gets even lonelier when even your faith in yourself leaves you.

So, I've decided not to be too harsh on myself. I'm not exactly sure how to do that, but the way I see it, I stand to lose more just being paralyzed by fear than if I just followed through and then fixed the faults. Also, emo-ness just doesn't become me.

And now, for some reason I think Red Bull might be the panacea for my flu. Mmm...Red Bull Bulleh! (Lol, the Malaysian tagline always cracks me up. Always.) Someone give me wings!




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